Self-sufficiency is, in loads of cultures, an indicator of profitable adulting. And the attract of being perceived as a self-made success could make independence the final word objective. Maybe you’ve witnessed it in a buddy who smiles away each supply of assist. (Virgo a lot?) Or perhaps you’ve discovered your self striving to keep away from asking for assist. It’s solely pure to take action in a world the place residing alone is the fascinating normal (for uncoupled adults), solo journey is on the rise, and creating your personal profession or aspect hustle—launching that podcast, publication, or channel from scratch—is closely praised. However what occurs when self-reliance goes too far? Enter: hyper-independence.
The urge to always do it your self can simply go unexamined, and what was as soon as a reluctance to ask for assist can grow to be a close to incapability to take action. As soon as you end up teetering towards the latter, it’s doubtless that your once-healthy degree of independence and self-sufficiency is on the verge of changing into poisonous hyper-independence.
“A hyper-independent individual takes their sense of independence to the intense and chooses to not search assist or steerage from one other individual when in want.” —Katrina Leggins, LCSW, therapist
A hyper-independent individual “takes their sense of independence to the intense and chooses to not search assist or steerage from one other individual when in want,” says therapist and self-care educator Katrina Leggins, LCSW. Usually, this individual’s refusal of help comes at their very own hurt or detriment, she provides, as a result of they’re pushing away assist at occasions once they may genuinely use it.
Actually, that’s to not say that making an attempt to determine issues out for your self—and studying from the errors that inevitably occur if you accomplish that—isn’t a beneficial and worthwhile high quality. But it surely’s necessary to tell apart between these wholesome self-help tendencies and behaviors that contain striving for independence to a fault.
Why is hyper-independence problematic?
To grasp the potential results of hyper-independence, it’s helpful to contemplate its origins. Based on naturopathic physician and holistic nervousness coach Courtney Paré, ND, hyper-independent behaviors usually start as a protecting mechanism, designed to supply an individual with a way of security. So the (defective) pondering goes: In the event that they aren’t reliant on anybody however themselves, they will have full management over the outcomes of their life.
Over time, this protecting mechanism can invite a bunch of repercussions, together with “a rise in loneliness and burnout, which additionally raises the chance for creating nervousness and melancholy,” says Paré.
Although hyper-independent people would possibly suppose they’re defending themselves from being let down by others (in the event that they don’t ask for assist, they will’t be upset once they don’t obtain it), “they’re really stopping themselves from creating wholesome and fulfilling relationships,” says Paré. It’s solely via taking part within the pure give and take of serving to and receiving assist that you may develop a way of intimacy and connection, in spite of everything.
Even those that initially really feel happy with their self-sufficiency will ultimately lose steam, says Paré. However fairly than let others know the way they’re feeling—whether or not that’s exhausted or lonely or anxious—hyper-independent folks are inclined to proceed to self-isolate, which might have lasting results on their well-being, she provides. An April 2023 evaluate of analysis on loneliness and mortality discovered that social isolation is linked to the next threat of untimely dying.
What are the important thing indicators of hyper-independence?
Having the ability to adequately acknowledge poisonous independence is step one in stopping additional escalation. Under are a couple of key indicators of hyper-independence, in keeping with Paré and Leggins:
- Having issue delegating
- Changing into suspicious or irritated when folks present an effort to get to know you
- Preferring to work alone fairly than in a gaggle
- Participating in perfectionistic tendencies
- Needing to remain busy on a regular basis
- Refusing to ask for or settle for assist from others
- Struggling to share wants or feeling pissed off or resentful when different folks share their wants
- Discovering it difficult to be weak
- Not having the ability to belief
- Participating in coping behaviors to numb emotions
Moreover, one of many largest early indicators of hyper-independence is an aversion to feeling or being perceived of as needy, says Leggins, which feeds into the tendency to keep away from asking for assist. “Usually, hyper-independent folks establish because the ‘reliable’ or ‘robust’ buddy or associate,” says Leggins, which is why it’s necessary to take observe when you (or a beloved one) current as extremely succesful in almost each state of affairs.
The hyperlink between hyper-independence and trauma
A dialog about hyper-independence isn’t full with out mentioning the position of trauma. As famous above, hyper-independence typically springs from a protecting mechanism—and the necessity to shield one’s self (in any respect prices) could come from having skilled a traumatic occasion.
“It’s important to focus on that hyper-independence can develop from trauma or modeled conduct the place the individual learns that self-reliance is the one strategy to cope or survive,” says Leggins. Think about an individual who had an emotionally abusive mum or dad or one who failed to satisfy a core want. Over time, they might internalize that asking for a have to be met is futile or may put them at emotional threat, main them to cease asking. That tendency can then be tough to show off in maturity, even once they’re in a relationship with somebody prepared to satisfy their wants.
As a substitute, this individual could default to not counting on anybody and equally resist anybody counting on them. “They don’t wish to be let down once more and wish to shield themselves,” says Leggins, emphasizing that the worry of others disappointing or hurting them generally is a robust motivator to remain guarded and wholly self-sufficient.
Steps to take to counter hyper-independent tendencies
Studying how one can heal hyper-independence can enhance your well-being and shut relationships, romantic and platonic. For Paré, it begins with redefining what it means to simply accept assist and softening dominant ideas round independence. “For those who imagine accepting assist is an act of braveness, energy, and progress [rather than a sign of weakness], your mind is more likely to get on board with the concept,” she says.
Altering your perception system is a course of that takes time, although, which is why Leggins suggests easing in at a tempo that feels protected with reflective actions like journaling. Extending self-compassion and charm is a extra fruitful technique than anticipating a direct mindset shift.
“For those who imagine accepting assist is an act of braveness, energy, and progress, your mind is more likely to get on board with the concept.” —Courtney Paré, ND, naturopathic physician
You may additionally want to look at the basis explanation for your hyper-independent tendencies with a view to work via them. “In case your hyper-independence stems from childhood trauma, for instance, working with a trauma-informed therapist who provides trauma-focused cognitive behavioral remedy, EMDR, or somatic remedy may help,” says Paré.
Leggins additionally highlights the significance of group care. Studying to belief your internal circle, leaning in your group, and being open to the concept that real assist exists, are all techniques value embracing. “Begin difficult the hyper-independent conduct by pushing your self to make small requests from shut pals or members of the family,” she says. Finally, bigger requests for assist will really feel extra pure and fewer daunting.
To assist reinstate your potential to belief others, you may also take into account volunteering, says Paré, “which is an effective way to witness how connecting and fulfilling it may really feel to work with different folks towards a standard objective.”
As you tackle these new behavioral habits, it’s necessary to acknowledge that feeling some discomfort and apprehension is regular. “Whereas there is at all times the chance that you’ll get let down or harm, there’s additionally an enormous chance that you’ll really feel supported, beloved, and related,” says Paré. “And the extra beloved and related we really feel, the extra outfitted we’re at dealing with life’s inevitable ups and downs in wholesome, sustainable methods.”
